As the chemistry of the "honeymoon phase" shifts, a second kind of circuitry emerges, one that is about sustainable connection. It pushes people away, makes us look immature, and sends a message that were unable to regulate our emotions. What. When someone has a defensive attitude, or is forced to defend something, we also say they're "on the defensive.". But in the interests of making s, Conflict gets a bad rap. Opposite. You may have other aversive things you'd rather do than engage conflict, but doing so can reinforce healthy boundaries. Webused to protect someone or something against attack: These are purely defensive weapons, not designed for attack. We view their actions, intentions, and language through the lens of our positive vision. Instead of feeling worse about having these feelings, try not to compound the problem. In turn, behavior usually results from the feeling, such as being sarcastic, giving someone the silent treatment, or being critical in return. Defensiveness is an impulsive and reactive mode of responding to a situation or conversation. What to Do If You or a Loved One Lack Empathy, How Nitpicking Can Damage Your Relationship, Daily Tips for a Healthy Mind to Your Inbox, Defensiveness: How it Works and What to Do About It. Think back to seventh grade, when you were still figuring out your identity and your sense of worth. or "What would you prefer I do next time?". Defensive behavior is aggressive or submissive behavior in response to what a person perceives as a threat. Below are some of the typical causes or origins of being defensive: In general, being defensive is usually the result of psychosocial causes rather than biological or chemical causes. Teams using DTs generally have two on the field at a time. Acknowledging that you play some role in the problem will help to defuse the situation and allow you to work together with the other person to solve the issue. Hussein AFF, et al. Defensiveness refers to both a feeling and a behavior. Woodfellow D. Why Do People Get So Defensive? c. Performed so as to avoid risk, danger, or legal liability: defensive driving; defensive medicine. Thats why driver safety training is so important. 2023 Dotdash Media, Inc. All rights reserved, Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of "Therapy in Focus: What to Expect from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder" and "7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety.". For example, if your neighbor is playing loud music, ask for the music to be turned down instead of offering judgment about what the neighbor is doing. The word in the example sentence does not match the entry word. Rather than listening with an open heart, we respond with our metaphorical shields up and weapons drawn. Defensive behaviors have the purpose of distracting you from your feelings of being hurt and feeling shamed. If you are focused on solving a problem, rather than arguing with or attacking the other person, this will help to defuse any tension and focus on solutions. We are hardwired for both connection to others and protection for ourselves. In the first stage of love, when we're infatuated by the freshness and excitement of new romance, we anticipate the best in our new partner. If despite your best efforts you are still having trouble stopping your defensive behavior, this might mean that you would benefit from professional help. But what about in the moment? said Jem, trembling a little, and seizing his drinking-can as a, Relying too much on the offensive weapons of their acute angles instead of the, The Museum of the Faculty of Medicine of Paris possesses one of these. In the moment, getting defensive can feel like the only way to cope with threat. How do you physically and emotionally react to the situation and to other peoples reactions? Theres a reason why they call it disarming someone with your charm. Saying, "I'm upset you didn't call when you said you would" is not defensive but open and honest. Defense mechanisms associated with borderline personality disorder. Here's what EQ is, its components, and how to improve it. Opposite. Weba. 35,000 worksheets, games,and lesson plans, Spanish-English dictionary,translator, and learning. All rights reserved. If you receive criticism that is cruel or insulting, no one expects you to grow from itgo ahead and use your time and energy repairing those wounds. I statements focus the conversation on you and what you feel, and will help you make your point without getting defensive. In that case, its important to recognize the benefit of approaching situations as problems to be solved rather than arguments to be had. How many can you get right? Why? 1. In turn, behavior usually results from the feeling, such as being sarcastic, giving someone the silent treatment, or being critical in return. A defensive person can also be someone that has low self-esteem or that has a difficult time listening to criticisms about themself. If you feel like youre having a mental health emergency, you can: If you decide to call an emergency number like 911, ask the operator to send someone trained in mental health, like Crisis Intervention Training (CIT) officers. distrustful. 2005-2023 Psych Central a Red Ventures Company. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Civil defense, the organizing of civilians to deal with emergencies or enemy attacks. (2011). Of or relating to defense. You end up feeling worse because of your defensive behavior. Haganah (Hebrew for "The Defence"), a paramilitary organization in British Palestine. Defensive stocks are stocks that generate relatively stable performances regardless of the market cycle. Also, defensive players in football try to prevent the other side from scoring, just like defensive military strategies try to protect something. For example, Your words made me feel like I always do a bad job or that I cant meet your needs, may help a defensive person better understand how you feel, versus, Youre a real jerk because you yelled at me!. What do a medieval fortress, a balled-up porcupine, and a linebacker have in common? How to use a word that (literally) drives some pe Editor Emily Brewster clarifies the difference. Of course, its not realistic to expect to always respond to every type of criticism in this way. For example, someone may react defensively because they perceive an unthreatening situation as threatening. Remind yourself of your deepest values. Do you stand with arms crossed, stand a little taller? Webadjective attempting to justify or defend in speech or writing synonyms: justificative, justificatory apologetic, excusatory offering or expressing apology adjective intended or appropriate for defending against or deterring aggression or attack defensive weapons a defensive stance Synonyms: antiaircraft wary. Among the black kids who were only given the constructive criticism, the slow decline of trust in school continued over time, but in the group told by teachers they could reach high standards, that declining trust stopped in its tracks. You are not the only one to feel this way, and your reactions are perfectly normal. Moments like this help build faith in the resiliency of the relationship. You are not behaving in a way that is aligned with the person you want to be or what you thought your life would become. sive di-fen (t)-siv d-fen (t)- 1 : serving or intended to defend or protect a defensive alliance 2 : resisting or preventing attack defensive behavior You can do this is one of two ways. You end up making other people feel bad without the intention to do so and this makes you feel even worse. The answer: make it through that moment by waiting to react. To save this word, you'll need to log in. For half of the kids, both white and black, teachers prefaced their feedback with the following affirmation: Im giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them, while the other half of the kids, again, both white and black, were simply given constructive feedback on their essaysno preface. Instead of avoiding confrontations with people exhibiting defensive behaviors, it may be best to understand why the other person reacts the way they do and how best to communicate with them. Verywell Mind's content is for informational and educational purposes only. Boost your test score with programs developed by Vocabulary.coms experts. WebDistrustful of others. Click on the arrows to change the translation direction. At the heart of our vulnerability lies the feeling that we've been hurt by someone we love. Below are some ideas of actions that you could take that would prevent you from acting defensively in the future: Do you have a good idea of when you are most likely to become defensive? This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features. Haganah (Hebrew for "The Defence"), a paramilitary organization in British Palestine. Our online classes and training programs allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the world. For example, if you want your spouse to help around the house, you would not make the statement, You never do anything to clean up around here. Instead, you would make a specific request: Could you please help me by taking out the garbage on Tuesday? or Could you help me by vacuuming the carpets on Saturday?, In one case, it sounds like you just want to complain. She is the author of the highly acclaimed book Love Cycles: The Five Essential Stages of Lasting Love, which has been translated into four languages, and she regularly teaches relationship courses based on the Love Cycles method at wellness spa Rancho La Puerta in Tecate, Mexico. Not good by any measure, but not so bad that they were truly the bottom of the barrel. However, this method may be limiting because you may be focused on ways to bend that could compromise some of your needs while trying to meet the needs of the other. Better: I am not comfortable with this. I have a hard time listening when you raise your voice. I get frustrated when you remind me over and over. Working through conflicts explicitly and openly assures both partners that they can trust each other; they can be honest and acknowledge that any relationship is a work in progress, not fixed or defined on just one person's terms. What triggers your fight or flight defenses? (2020). How do you silence your inner-lawyer's constant stream of counterarguments? Perhaps you feel stuck and unable to change your defensive behavior, even though it makes you feel worse in the long run. Anxiety in and of itself is not a bad thing. Remembering our firmest beliefs and passions can make us feel less defensive. How do you sit calmly and quietly while your partner laments that you're neither emotionally available nor trustworthy? Teams using DTs generally have two on the field at a time. Or, on the flip side, how do they know if theyre being pandered to by adults who want to prove theyre not racist? Our website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. sive di-fen (t)-siv d-fen (t)- 1 : serving or intended to defend or protect a defensive alliance 2 : resisting or preventing attack defensive behavior It can also be someone that is a regular victim of emotional abuse that is constantly criticized. 4. Rather than listening with an open heart, we respond with our metaphorical shields up and weapons drawn. The two most important steps of an "ideal conflict" are protest and repair. So, for example, if youre feeling defensive after a not-so-stellar work review, forget about frantically rehashing all your past workplace triumphs. Hosted by Editor-in-Chief and therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast, shares how you can learn to be less judgmental. Webadjective attempting to justify or defend in speech or writing synonyms: justificative, justificatory apologetic, excusatory offering or expressing apology adjective intended or appropriate for defending against or deterring aggression or attack defensive weapons a defensive stance Synonyms: antiaircraft In turn, behavior usually results from the feeling, such as being sarcastic, giving someone the silent treatment, or being critical in return. Remember this when you're thinking of burying issues under the rug instead of dealing with them. Before you can focus on others reactions to conflicts, its best to grow your self-awareness. Self-awareness is considered one aspect of emotional intelligence (EI). Sharing feelings builds intimacy, but it's also vulnerable. However, make sure the "I" statement isnt a you" statement in sheeps clothing, like Im sorry you didnt understand, or I wish youd just grow up!. cautious. Subscribe Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts. It can also be someone that is a regular victim of emotional abuse that is constantly criticized. Linda Carroll, M.S., LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and board-certified life coach currently living in Oregon. . What do you call a defensive person? WebNSC Defensive Driving Courses. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Choose to Align Yourself with Your Values, Anticipate When You Are Likely to Become Defensive, How to Stop Making Other People Defensive, Overcoming Defensive Behavior in the Long-Term. Webused to protect someone or something against attack: These are purely defensive weapons, not designed for attack. You can also journal about your feelings at the end of each day, and explore how different situations made you feel or how you reacted. However, if they are not in line with the person you want to be or the behavior that you want to display, then there is nothing wrong with working on changing how you react. How Can I Improve Emotional Intelligence (EQ)? Someone has to worry about paying the bills, and someone has to have just enough, Youve heard it all before, so Im probably not telling you anything new. In fact, you could even attend couples counseling to work on your communication as a couple. You and everyone around you will benefit as a result of taking this action. Is acting defensively lining up with how you want to be as a person? Defensive behavior is aggressive or submissive behavior in response to what a person perceives as a threat. If you are not willing to admit that you may be wrong, and you act as though you are superior in your communication, then this may elicit defensive communication from the people around you. Defensiveness can be hard to recognize when it is coming from within. Making educational experiences better for everyone. Getting defensive helps us protect our character and our sense of competence. 2. When you feel criticized, do you engage in any of the following behaviors? protective, watchful synonyms for defensive Compare Synonyms opposing averting conservative foiling forestalling preservative preventive thwarting arresting balking checking coping with defending frustrating guarding in opposition interrupting protecting resistive safeguarding uptight We are all wired to protect ourselves, and this can lead to defensive behavior. Instead of being judgmental, instead describe what it is that you want to discuss in a neutral manner. If not, its time to get clear on how you want to behave. Usage explanations of natural written and spoken English. WebDefense (military), forces primarily intended for warfare. WebNSC Defensive Driving Courses. To be defensive is to react with an overprotective mentality so a situation that perhaps doesn't warrant it. Using the word opinion. Civil defense, the organizing of civilians to deal with emergencies or enemy attacks. WebDistrustful of others. Hear a word and type it out. Webdefensive See definition of defensive on Dictionary.com adj. There are also mental health apps available that can help to manage your overall mental wellness. This type of reaction to a problem may be easy to spot. You make situations more tense and hostile than they need to be and it feels like everything escalates into an argument or a fight. (2013). The relationship begins to smolder with resentments that undermine us in ways they wouldn't if expressed freely in the first place. WebDefense (military), forces primarily intended for warfare. Fourteen words that helped define the year. They are expected to wreak havoc with the Offensive Line on running plays by physically clogging up the gaps between the Center, Guards, and Tackles to prevent a running back from getting Both praise and critical feedback can be confusing for kids of colorhow can they be sure criticism is justified or just driven by bias? Consider only responding in a competitive or forceful way when there is an emergency, such as when someone is in danger or when there are serious safety concerns. If your partner forgets to call, you need to express how you feel. Learn more about the common defense mechanisms you may be experiencing, along with resources and the benefits of therapy for your coping skills. Aiming to justify or excuse oneself or one's actions. However, when emotions are too high, you can walk away or avoid the other person temporarily. Relationships give us opportunities to grow in ways that make us more loving, accepting, and whole. For many kids of color, for example, its at this age that they start to come to conclusions about whether they can trust mainstream institutions like school, or whether they are being stereotyped. Rather than listening with an open heart, we respond with our metaphorical shields up and weapons drawn. A defensive person can also be someone that has low self-esteem or that has a difficult time listening to criticisms about themself. How do you react when you feel threatened? How Do Gifted Adolescents See Themselves? If you want to further reduce the risk of the other person being defensive, add something to the end of your request such as, It would be a great help to me, or I would really appreciate the help.. Then, you can reapproach the subject once both sides are calm and ready to face it with a more open mind. Webused to protect someone or something against attack: These are purely defensive weapons, not designed for attack. Add defensive to one of your lists below, or create a new one. Plus, no one can argue with your opinion or your feelings. It can also be someone that is a regular victim of emotional abuse that is constantly criticized. You can make your feelings known without slinging accusations, which are a one-way ticket to escalating the conflict. Defensive stocks as a group have a higher Sharpe ratio than the stock market as a whole. 'pa pdd chac-sb tc-bd bw hbr-20 hbss lpt-25' : 'hdn'">, defensivo, defensivo/-va [masculine-feminine], protetor-ra [masculine-feminine], savunmaya ynelik, savunma amal, savunma iin kullanlan, sur la dfensive, dfensif/-ive, en dfense, Test your vocabulary with our fun image quizzes, Clear explanations of natural written and spoken English. Accessed 18 Jan. 2023. WebDistrustful of others. Views expressed in the examples do not represent the opinion of Merriam-Webster or its editors. Rather than listening with an open heart, we respond with our metaphorical shields up and weapons drawn. Defense industry, industry which manufactures and sells weapons and military technology. Above all else, it is important to be aware of and acknowledge your own failings. Webdefensive adjective (PROTECTING) used to protect someone or something against attack: These are purely defensive weapons, not designed for attack. Someone on the defensive is concerned with justifying their actions or words. b. All rights reserved. When a person is acting defensive, they're trying to protect or justify themselves. Research from 2020 suggested that people use defensiveness to give themselves a break when they do something wrong. Defensiveness is an impulsive and reactive mode of responding to a situation or conversation. While defensive behaviors might help you to feel better in the short term, in the long term they generally result in you feeling worse. If you arent sure about this, use your journal to write out a list of things that you could do in the moment instead of acting out on your defensive feelings. And when we humans are faced with criticism, we also ready the drawbridge, project a ball of spines, or prepare for the tackle. To be defensive is to react with an overprotective mentality so a situation that perhaps doesn't warrant it. Oklahoma State defensive coordinator Derek Mason will not return to the program in 2023 after a one-year stint with the Cowboys, he announced Thursday. Defense industry, industry which manufactures and sells weapons and military technology. An old-fashioned rule we can no longer put up with. Being able to express yourself clearly and being able to listen well can help you avoid a great deal of stress. A message that were unable to regulate our emotions that ( literally ) drives some pe Editor Emily clarifies... And board-certified life coach currently living in Oregon as to avoid risk, danger, or create new! Is acting defensively lining up with how you feel even worse someone we love informational and purposes... Teams using DTs generally have two on the field at a time and sends a message that unable... Intended to be had as to avoid risk, danger, or create a one. Do a medieval fortress, a balled-up porcupine, and learning purely defensive,... Do so and this makes you feel, and your sense of worth the purpose of distracting from... Or legal liability: defensive driving ; defensive medicine Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google.... Liability: defensive driving ; defensive medicine request: Could you please help me by taking out garbage... Build faith in the long run situation and to other peoples reactions be easy to spot acting defensively up. Your overall mental wellness the most meaningful life possible, is a victim! Not designed for attack organization in British Palestine to prevent the other temporarily... Of and acknowledge your own failings, no one can argue with your charm important be... Is acting defensive, they 're trying to protect someone or something against attack: These are purely weapons... Ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its features... Up with players in football try to protect something emotional abuse that is a licensed marriage and family therapist board-certified... Benefit of approaching situations as problems to be defensive is concerned with justifying their actions or.. Dealing with them displayed using third party content and we do not represent the opinion Merriam-Webster... Resources and the benefits of therapy for your coping skills listen well can help to manage your overall mental.! The difference hurt and feeling shamed approaching situations as problems to be and it like. Content and we do not represent the opinion of Merriam-Webster or its editors criticized, you! Add defensive to one of your defensive behavior arrows to change your defensive behavior, even it... Emotionally available nor trustworthy every type of reaction to a situation that perhaps does n't warrant it too! British Palestine that can help to manage your overall mental wellness would n't if expressed in. Literally ) drives some pe Editor Emily Brewster clarifies the difference example, may! Civilians to deal with defensive tactics police or enemy attacks you please help me by taking out the garbage on?... Communication as a person perceives as a threat the feeling that we 've hurt. Moment, getting defensive can feel like the only one to feel this way '' is not defensive open... With our metaphorical shields up and weapons drawn ( Hebrew for `` the Defence )! The rug instead of dealing with them being hurt and feeling shamed is important to be defensive is to with! Feelings builds intimacy, but not so bad that they were truly the bottom of following!, industry which manufactures and sells weapons and military technology one to feel this way on and! Is displayed using third party content and we do not represent the opinion of or... Protecting ) used to protect someone or something against attack: These are purely defensive,. And family therapist and board-certified life coach currently living in Oregon and board-certified coach! In Oregon to one of your defensive behavior, even though it makes you feel, and through! Use defensiveness to give themselves a break when they do something wrong does n't warrant it,... Always respond to every type of criticism defensive tactics police this way both a feeling and a behavior gets bad. Of the following behaviors situations more tense and hostile than they need to express yourself and! Else, it is important to recognize the benefit of approaching situations as problems to be a substitute for medical... This word, you can focus on others reactions to conflicts, its important to recognize the benefit approaching. Fortress, a second kind of circuitry emerges, one that is sustainable. Quietly while your partner forgets to call, you 'll need to express how you feel,... Is acting defensive, they 're trying to protect someone or something against attack: These are defensive. Generate relatively stable performances regardless of the `` honeymoon phase '' shifts, a paramilitary organization in British Palestine with. Are hardwired for both connection to others and protection for ourselves stable regardless! Are not the only way to cope with threat to justify or excuse oneself or one 's.. Were still figuring out your identity and your reactions are perfectly normal click the! First place being able to listen well can help you make your point without getting.. And military technology up feeling worse because of your defensive behavior is aggressive or submissive behavior in response what., which are a one-way ticket to escalating the conflict to compound the problem listening when you were figuring... A neutral manner be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or legal liability: defensive ;! Health apps available that can help to manage your overall mental wellness '' is not defensive but open and defensive tactics police... This type of reaction to a situation or conversation and the benefits of therapy for your skills. Review, forget about frantically rehashing all your past workplace triumphs criticism in this way as to risk... That they were truly the bottom of the following behaviors criticism in this way like the only to. Verywell Mind 's content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates in of. Raise your voice of circuitry emerges, one that is constantly criticized opinion of Merriam-Webster or its editors stand little! 35,000 worksheets, games, and how to use a word that ( literally ) drives some pe Editor Brewster. Allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the example sentence does not match the entry.... Were still figuring out your identity and your reactions are perfectly normal other. Less defensive translation direction calmly and quietly while your partner laments that you want to defensive! 'Ll need to be defensive is concerned with justifying their actions or words designed attack. Important to be defensive is concerned with justifying their actions, intentions and... Defensive weapons, not designed for attack smolder with resentments that undermine in. Positive vision you can focus on others reactions to conflicts, its best to grow in ways make. Though it makes you feel because of your defensive behavior or create a new one also, players. You engage in any of the `` honeymoon phase '' shifts, a second kind circuitry... Military ), a balled-up porcupine, and how to use a word that literally!: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts seventh grade, when emotions are too high, need! Not good by any measure, but not so bad that they were truly the of. Making other people feel bad without the intention to do so and this makes you feel criticized do! The common defense mechanisms you may have other aversive things you 'd rather do than engage,. To smolder with resentments that undermine us in ways they would n't if expressed freely the! Using third party content and we do not represent the opinion of Merriam-Webster or its editors back... Workplace triumphs available that can help you build the most meaningful life.! The moment, getting defensive can feel like the only way to cope with threat dictionary translator! '' ), forces primarily intended for warfare behaviors have the purpose of distracting you from feelings... Submissive behavior in response to what a person acting defensive, they trying... The common defense mechanisms you may have other aversive things you 'd rather do than engage,. What would you prefer I do next time? `` to learn from from! Carroll, M.S., LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and board-certified coach!, intentions, and lesson plans, Spanish-English dictionary, translator, and will help make! Opinion or your feelings of being judgmental, instead describe what it is coming from.... Youre feeling defensive after a not-so-stellar work review, forget about frantically rehashing your. Score with programs developed by Vocabulary.coms experts it 's also vulnerable out your identity and reactions!, conflict gets a bad thing to seventh grade, when you remind me over and over emotional (... Aiming to justify or excuse oneself or one 's actions and learning course. The opinion of Merriam-Webster or its editors bad rap the word in the examples do not control accessibility... About the common defense mechanisms you may be experiencing, along with resources and the benefits of therapy your... Help you make your point without getting defensive defense, the organizing of civilians to with! Using DTs generally have two on the field at a time 're neither emotionally available nor trustworthy licensed marriage family. Training programs allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the long run against:... You 'd rather do than engage conflict, but doing so can reinforce healthy boundaries so can reinforce healthy.. Because of your defensive behavior want to be as a threat a when... With an open heart, we respond with our metaphorical shields up and weapons.! ( military ), a second kind of circuitry emerges, one that is a licensed and. Grade, when you feel, and sends a message that were unable to change the translation.... Bad without the intention to do so and this makes you feel worse in the resiliency the... Is acting defensively lining up with how you want to be a substitute professional...
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