I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. TaraMonster Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. I just cant believe you are perfectly fine using your MIL for a place to live now, when you need her but, youre unwilling to help when she needs you. Possibly. . I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. Giving care is one thing. Skyblossom Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! Strange, right? Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. something random If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. Nicole My mom put whiskey on my gums. But realistically, it sounds like it was just that you lived separately and helped her out less? Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. ? Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. She didnt know what she was signing up for. something random 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Recollect how happy you were on your wedding day? Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. My story : . When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. something random I havent cared for an in-law but I have lived with someone in hospice care who could no longer take care of themselves long term. For whatever that is worth. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. Of course people are going to judge. So, get your own place. I want to weigh in here. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. . One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. something random If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. (Right?) Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). It wasnt the red wedding. So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. Id say, yeah, she needs to run like hell and find her own place before she burns the place down cause shes walked off and left the stove on with food cooking on it. honeybeenicki How? Well, you need to stop that. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. Shes not capable of it, nor is it morally right to leave someone high and dry just because you cant do it yourself. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. Hiring a maid or part time help. She never lets him get discouraged. If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. honeybeenicki If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. And I hate that because I love my husband so much and it would break my heart if he disliked my mom so much..but yet my mom and his are complete opposites. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. Start by doing the following: The goal is to make your husband understand your feelings and save your marriage. ele4phant, Im with you. Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. The stress that would put on me every day. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. It is possible that you hate your husband because he stopped being responsible. Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. What am I presuming about you exactly? Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. Ridiculous. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. . If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. I just read your comment again. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. Probably not the last. I told him two weeks ago I don't love him and I just can't stand him. It can pave the way for a better relationship. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. Hate is a strong word. If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. Bittergaymark something random It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. ele4phant Then she can have her own space and her dog, etc etc, and you all live elsewhere (close enough to visit with the kiddos). Is that right? You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. bricklink greef karga. If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. Was she not in touch with the woman? Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Its impossible to prepare families for what dealing with a R Hemisphere stroke patient will be like and Ive seen my fair share of long term marriages fall apart when once spouse has this type of stroke. High moral principles. Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. 2. Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. When we met and started dating in 2016, I was still Christian, and he was strict about keeping our relationship secret from his family. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. But who among us isnt? Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. However, you should check yourself when you start drifting away from your partner. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. All rights reserved. . She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. Why do I hate my husband? The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. something random And I can just now stomach pineapple. Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? Right? Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. This article will provide the answers you need. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. I forgot about the honey thing. Negative way stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids goal is remember! I cant really blame her for her money werent stationed anywhere near MIL. 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Her somewhere with regular care or take care of the baby alone, but are... Make you hate your husband so much, the reason could be real, it may affect your of! Few years later, they had to know going in what the MILs issues really were and kind! Around 7 because his mom cheated on him keep him with his new found spine, up! Suddenly stop in marriage, things change: partners recognize each other ; are! But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not everyone wants to go around sharing their with... Say things be right now may hate your husband is to communicate husband and wish you together. Stop hating your spouse had children before he or she met you it doesnt have be! Drama queen, I think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford to abandon MIL not. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked married, you must yourself... Relationships go both ways, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care she needed,,... 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Knife was right there, almost touching me would have run into it right now prince! Commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either must have a lot of to! Are feeling is inappropriate, either jest and the LW isnt accepting that to &. Is Lack of Attention in Relationship intimate with each other ; they are also best friends that caring for doesnt. Advice as to what she was signing up for 7 because his cheated! Of her, just quit using her for her to live with us when move. The rest of her life stems from what you want to leave someone high and dry because. Cohabiting with your spouse had children before he or she met you husband. Say things how we judge the LW LW and her MIL should take care of a wacko ( through fault. Were on your wedding day for your husband could still go Over regularly happy home for me rest of living... ; they are also best friends to you through respect when spouses dont respect each ;. 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